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If someone loses their partner due to a bereavement, although this is thought to be the most stressful experience you could have, there is an understood process of grieving that people around you can accept and help with.
However, if you lose your partner to divorce you may find there is no roadmap of how to process the loss itself or the development of a new life ahead independent of your partner. When we suffer a bereavement family and friends usually instinctively gather round and offer support, you can take compassionate leave from work. However, with divorce and separation family and friends may start to take sides and work may not even be aware that there is a problem. In these cases, your journey may have to be self-navigating. Some people may find it a relief – the end of an unsatisfying relationship, whereas others will keenly feel the loss and rejection. Feelings that can be experienced, such as anger, anxiety, resentment, fear or shame can all affect your mental health, even if you were the one that ended the relationship. It is also possible that there may be children involved in the break-up and this can cause emotional upheaval as one person is likely to become a part-time parent which can bring about feelings of loss or anxiety. Keeping the channels of communication open can be tricky sometimes, but having an impartial person to talk to can help you to communicate your feelings effectively. Conflict can take a huge toll on your confidence and this can be an exhausting time. Making some time for yourself to regroup and restore confidence in yourself can help you deal with what is to come. Counselling is often used for couples to try and save relationships, but also it can help you to come to terms with what can be a significant loss in your life by talking through your feelings and emotions.
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Although most women will experience the menopause at some point, this does not mean that it is necessarily easy.
The added challenges of peri-menopause (when the ovaries gradually begin to make less oestrogen) and early menopause (between the ages of 41-45) are very often under-estimated and the loss of fertility can be devastating if a woman had planned to have children and menopause occurs before they were able. Symptoms – and the impact of these- can vary greatly between people with many experiencing debilitating symptoms, whilst others seem to sail through with little or not issue. This sometimes rather brutal reminder of ageing can be a difficult time, and it is not always easy to talk about with anybody. There are many different symptoms, too many to list here, but these are a few of the most commonly experienced:
Menopause can bring about emotional symptoms as well as physical; and anxiety and depression are two that are commonly felt. Although most women will probably know to expect menopause, nevertheless it can still upset the balance of life. Menopause is commonly known as “the change” and is arguably one of the most significant changes in that it signifies the end of a part of life that is attached to the idea of youth. Ageing, although a normal, natural part of life can cause unhappiness as women compare themselves to younger people. Although some women do suffer during menopause, there are also lots of women who are quite happy with it and see it as the start of the next stage of their lives which can be a positive stage where we have gained from life experience, have greater wisdom and freedom from the constraints of young children. Whatever your feelings and emotions during this time, talking through them can help to accept and come to terms with the changes in life, which although may be difficult and distressing will pass and life will become easier. Depression is a mood disorder which can be described as feelings of sadness, anger or just generally feeling low. Of course, we all feel a bit low from time to time, and these feelings usually pass. But if these feelings last for longer than a few weeks and start to interfere with everyday life, it could be depression.
Symptoms of depression can vary, but include:-
Depression can also result in a person changing behaviour. They may find themselves avoiding friends and social occasions, or changes in sleep patterns. Food avoidance or eating too much. Drinking too much alcohol. Tiredness and lethargy can also be a symptom of depression. It may be difficult to talk about or explain these feelings to anybody but cutting off from other people can have an effect on relationships, work and general health. Why do some people get depressed? Research hasn’t come up with one reason why some people are more prone to depression than others, rather that there are probably various causes. Biological, environmental and social factors are implicated in research but this is still and ongoing question for researchers. According to the World Health Organisation (WHO) over 3 million people worldwide live with depression, and each person will have differing contributing factors. Depression can affect people of all ages and from all walks of life, but unfortunately there is still a stigma attached to mental health issues. It is important to recognise that just like physical health, mental health issues are not necessarily preventable. Understanding this could lessen the stigma and result in more people getting the help they need. Counselling can help with depression by giving a person the opportunity to explore their feelings in a safe, confidential environment, giving space to talk and sort through their emotions. Stress is a part of life – everyday stresses like jobs, kids, money etc are probably experienced by most of us. However, when stress gets too much for us it can cause other issues that can be more serious.
When we get too stressed it can cause us to feel unwell and experience symptoms that are very real to us. Health anxiety (the expression used to be hypochondria) is when you spend lots of time worrying that you are ill, or that you are going to be ill, which can start to take over your life. Some symptoms can include
Stress or anxiety can cause symptoms like headaches or palpitations which can be mistaken for actual illness, and reassurance from your doctor may only bring temporary relief. Your mental health and wellbeing can very much influence your physical health, and so being careful to maintain good physical health and a healthy lifestyle can, in turn, have a positive effect on your mental health. With the COVID-19 pandemic still in our news and thoughts, this has, understandably been a time of great stress and anxiety for many, and now the restrictions have eased, a scary place to be. It is worth remembering that you do not have to do anything that makes you worried or uncomfortable, but rather take it at your own pace. It may be worth talking to people you socialise with that you are more comfortable wearing a mask or social distancing for now until you feel more confident. If your doctor has ruled out any physical problem then talking with a trusted person about your fears and anxieties can bring relief that you are not alone in this. Just sharing your thoughts and worries with someone can sometimes relieve some of the pressure you are feeling. According to studies the number of working women over the age of 50 has increased and is expected to continue to rise. This can bring about the issue of experiencing symptoms of menopause whilst at work which can be a difficult time for many as their symptoms can be debilitating, and because these symptoms are not necessarily widely understood, say by men or younger people for instance who through no fault of their own have no experience of this.
Some of the most common symptoms, say hot flushes or problems with lack of concentration could have a detrimental effect on their work. This can cause embarrassment and can, according to research cause some women to leave their jobs . Unfortunately there remains considerable ignorance and mis-understanding around the menopause, often being seen as taboo or even to be ridiculed. Although it is quite common for women to talk to colleagues of a similar age and experience in the workplace, many women could feel unable to ask for support from a line manager even if the challenges they are facing are impacting their work. It is not necessary for managers to be experts or know lots about the menopause, but just knowing how to support or signpost to an appropriate department like occupational health is enough. According to a government report, menopausal women are the fastest growing demographic in the workforce and sometimes the work environments like those with no control of temperature, tight fitting uniforms or stressful work load can make symptoms worse. By talking about this openly and thereby raising awareness and putting the correct support in place, hopefully we could get to the point that menopause is no longer a negative issue in the workplace. Any employer who wishes to employ and retain a diverse and inclusive workforce can work towards an environment where menopause can be talked about openly, freely and without embarrassment. Usually we can rely on having a summer holiday which gives us a break from the normal routine and gives a sense of well-being from having had time away from the humdrum of everyday life.
This year, however, things may have been different for a lot of people as the uncertainty of the pandemic, vaccinations and tests have all played their part in us not having had that break. It is now autumn again and with it the prospect of darker evenings and colder weather. Does this fill you with dread and despondency? Or are you looking forward to the change of season and the thought of roaring fires and lovely woolly jumpers? Everyone is different and we all react in different ways to the changing of season which is of course something that we have no control over. Autumn and winter blues are very common and some people absolutely dread the coming months. However there are some things that you could try to ease these feelings.
Not keeping these feelings to yourself can also be beneficial as we may not realise that lots of other people feel the same and can share experiences. You may find that you have some friends or acquaintances who feel similar to yourself and who would be only to willing to go on walks or outings to break up the winter months. It is very easy to get home and just shut the curtains and wait out the winter, only going out when absolutely necessary, but just making some simple changes can make all the difference to your mood and outlook. It is also worth remembering that the seasons will change again and light and warmth will always return, and this is something to look forward to. I realise I have published this before but I keep getting asked for this so I will just put this out there again, sorry to repeat myself but this is a recurring issue.
It is almost certain that most people will experience grief at some point in their life and it will probably be very difficult to deal with. The death of a loved one is a very personal and individual thing and it cannot be predicted how a person may react. After a bereavement a person may feel some or all of the following:-
Sadness is a normal part of the grieving process and after a loss shock denial and disbelief can be brought on by the realisation that their loved one is not coming back. Numbness can be the body’s way of protecting us from the full impact of the loss whilst we deal with it at our own pace. Panic or confusion can be brought on by the thought of having to cope alone or how to fill the gap left by the person we have lost. Anger is our way of trying to find something to blame for what is seen as an unfair and painful event. Relief can be felt if, for example, there had been a long or painful illness or if the relationship had been a difficult one. This is a normal response and does not mean the person was not cared for. Any or all of these feelings can be felt after a death and there is no right or wrong way to feel. Grief as a very personal thing some people will let it take its course, whereas others may need outside help in the form of talking therapy. There can also be some confusion around the length of time that grieving takes. This is entirely personal – it takes as long as it takes. Some people may feel that a year still feels as if it happened yesterday, or it may feel like a lifetime ago. People around you may have expectations around how quickly a grieving person might ‘move on’, but it may take a long time to come to terms with life without that person. The first year can often be difficult as you move through the ‘firsts’, like birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas. These can bring feeling of grief back to the surface. As time passes, people around you may forget what you have been through and you may feel pushed into moving on. But your grief cannot be pushed aside or forgotten and the aim is to find a way of living and coping with it. Being able to talk about that person can be a huge relief and can be a great comfort, and finding support, either individual or as a group could help. What is Counselling?
Counselling is what is sometimes called ‘talking therapy’, and this is a safe, confidential space for you to talk about anything that you may want to change in your life, or simply explore your feelings or thoughts. Counselling is not about being advised on what you should do rather exploring your thoughts and feelings to try and uncover the root causes of problems you may be facing. It can help you understand, accept and overcome emotional issues or problems which may be quite long-standing. Sometimes it may be difficult to discuss things with family or close friends and talking with someone who is not emotionally involved and impartial can be easier. A counsellor will take time to just listen to you without judgement in confidence. People go to counselling for many different reasons, which can include-
This is not an exhaustive list and people go for therapy for many different reasons such as job worries or losses, the death of a much-loved pet for instance. Counselling is not always for people who have reached crisis point, it can also be a preventative measure, to manage difficult emotions before they get worse. Although in the past it has been the norm for counselling to take place face-to-face, there are other options such as telephone or remote counselling with the use of video calls. These can be useful for people who struggle to get out or would prefer to stay in the comfort of their own home. It is also possible to take counselling sessions outdoors in the form of walking-talking therapy which involves walking outside in nature. This has been proven to reduce depression and anxiety in some people. Also, exercise is recognised as benefitting psychological health and mental well-being. You can set your own pace, so you don’t have to be super fit either! It can be difficult to take that first step towards help, but counsellors are there to help you and acknowledging that you need help is the start of change. It is almost certain that most people will experience grief at some point in their life and it will probably be very difficult to deal with.
The death of a loved one is a very personal and individual thing and it cannot be predicted how a person may react. After a bereavement a person may feel some or all of the following:-
Sadness is a normal part of the grieving process and after a loss shock denial and disbelief can be brought on by the realisation that their loved one is not coming back. Numbness can be the body’s way of protecting us from the full impact of the loss whilst we deal with it at our own pace. Panic or confusion can be brought on by the thought of having to cope alone or how to fill the gap left by the person we have lost. Anger is our way of trying to find something to blame for what is seen as an unfair and painful event. Relief can be felt if, for example, there had been a long or painful illness or if the relationship had been a difficult one. This is a normal response and does not mean the person was not cared for. Any or all of these feelings can be felt after a death and there is no right or wrong way to feel. Grief as a very personal thing some people will let it take its course, whereas others may need outside help in the form of talking therapy. There can also be some confusion around the length of time that grieving takes. This is entirely personal – it takes as long as it takes. Some people may feel that a year still feels as if it happened yesterday, or it may feel like a lifetime ago. People around you may have expectations around how quickly a grieving person might ‘move on’, but it may take a long time to come to terms with life without that person. The first year can often be difficult as you move through the ‘firsts’, like birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas. These can bring feeling of grief back to the surface. As time passes, people around you may forget what you have been through and you may feel pushed into moving on. But your grief cannot be pushed aside or forgotten and the aim is to find a way of living and coping with it. Being able to talk about that person can be a huge relief and can be a great comfort, and finding support, either individual or as a group could help. Do you feel SAD and need someone to talk to?
If you find that your mood takes a nosedive coming up to and during the winter months, you may be experiencing Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). According to government research as many as 29% of adults experience symptoms, with some experiencing it to a severe degree. Symptoms can include:
It is not know exactly what causes SAD but it is often linked to a lack of natural light during the short winter days. Some say it is hereditary and runs in your family. Treatments for SAD include getting as much daylight as possible and exercising. Light therapy where a 'light box', a special lamp simulates natural daylight. Talking therapies can help by having someone to talk to where your low mood can be explored without judgment or criticism. Public Health England recommend that we take a daily dose of Vitamin D (the sunshine vitamin), an inexpensive way to treat mild symptoms. Studies have shown that people who take regular vitamin D supplements showed significant improvement in their mood. If you would like to know more, please give me a call for more details and to book a free initial consultation. |
Joanne Vogel BlogThis blog page all about counselling. 
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